Whether you’ve been dating for months or married for years, here are some creative ways to ensure that absence makes your heart grow fonder.

1. Use social media platforms like Facetime or Zoom to stay connected.
   Surprisingly, just making Virtual eye contact through social media can trigger Oxytocin, the feel good and bonding hormone that helps couples feel close. According to Paul Zak, a professor at Claremont Graduate University in California, video conferencing is about 80% effective in producing Oxytocin. And, Professor Shelley Taylor of UCLA states, “The anticipated social contact like a FaceTime call, may result in bursts of the hormone.” Video platforms are more powerful than we know.
2. Have A meaningful Conversation.
   While it’s important to catch up on the latest current and family events, don’t forget to let your partner know how you feel about him/her/them. Tell your partner what you miss most about them like how it feels to sleep without them or eat breakfast alone. Perhaps you can also share the loneliness, isolation or fatigue you are experiencing.
3. Be Vulnerable. It Connects Us.
   Having worked with many couples over my thirty years in practice,It is clear that speaking from the heart about our fears, our shame, our love or joy connects us. Assuming you are with a partner that you feel safe with, sharing your deepest feelings with them helps them empathize and understand you better. And, frequently, when you start to share, your partner may begin to open up too.
4. Have Some Fun.
   Playing games online isn’t just an activity that connects you, it can help relieve stress too. Playing games like: Words With Friends, You Don’t Know Jack, Uno, Cards Against Humanity and Skribbl are bonding even though you are apart. Just anticipating your partner’s next move, will help you feel closer. You can even eat dinner together virtually while you are play.
5. Make A Book For Your Partner.
   There’s nothing like receiving a book about yourself from your partner through FaceTime or Zoom. Just take a few index cards, punch holes on the left side and put twist-ties in the holes to bind it. Title it: Why you’re the greatest or What I miss Most About You. Paste magazine pictures or words on each card. When you’re finished, hold each page up to the camera. Your partner will be touched and may even decide to write one for you.
6. Plan A Future Trip.
   Decide where your next vacation will be. Both of you can do research and compare notes. If you don’t have the funds right now, plan an imaginary vacation in an exotic land depicting the birds and flowers endemic to that place. Being creative together joins you and seeing beautiful images relieves stress. Planning a lovely trip gives you both something to dream about together.

Nancy Simon is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who has been treating individuals, and couples for over thirty years. If you found this article helpful, please pass it along to others. If you would like to contact Nancy, you can e.mail her at: nanlcsw@gmail.com.

During many first sessions, couples tell me that they want to work on communication. They say that they can’t stop fighting and that they keep doing the same dance over and over. What I hear when they say this is that they don’t feel safe enough to be honest with their partner, that they worry about being yelled at or invalidated and that they are in the middle of a lake without a paddle. So, I have compiled a list of communication tips to help partners stay out of emotional mine fields.

Make “I” Statements.

When You are communicating about an upset, always start your sentences with “I”. For example, “i’m feeling sad that you came home late last night without calling to let me know. I felt abandoned. and unimportant.” If you blame or shame your partner about not calling, you will most likely get a defensive response. Use a soft and inviting tone to welcome them into a conversation rather than calling them out on a mistake.

Be Direct.

If you are scared to tell your partner how you feel, tell them that first. If they have empathy, they will be aware that you are having a hard time and will be more likely to be emotionally available. Then tell them directly how you feel. If they still get defensive, getting outside help is a good idea.

Don’t Use Non-Verbal Communication

Some couples use eye-rolling or turning their body away from their partner to communicate that they are angry or upset. This dismissive behavior will make your partner feel small, ashamed, rejected and hurt. Perhaps you or both of you grew up with parents who did this. But a safe and nurturing relationship is born of eye-contact, words, kindness and compassion. Eye rolling is a form of anger and turning away is a way to avoid confrontation. Save your body language for snuggling and physical touch.

Understand That No one Can Read Your Mind.

If you didn’t get the love and acceptance that you needed as a child, you may figure that your partner will be able to provide these and that they will be able to read what you need. While your wish is understandable it is also unrealistic. We are all limited by our own perceptions and feelings and can only GUESS what another person is thinking and feeling. Having more realistic expectations about what is possible can transform any relationship.

Don’t Bring Up Past Hurts

It is so important to stay in the “here and now” when you are in an argument. Talk only about how your partner’s behavior affects you now and don’t bring up incidents from the past even though there may be many. If you point out their past mistakes, your partner will feel ambushed and blamed..hardly the frame of mind to motivate them to repair with you.

Don’t Debate

Feelings are never up for discussion. You cant talk someone out of their hurt, anger, sadness, fear or shame. You don’t have to agree with them or even understand why they feel this way, you just need to hear them out. It is never constructive to talk someone out of their feelings but super helpful to validate them and listen. This will soften them and keep you out of arguments.

If you found this blog helpful, please pass it on to help someone else. If you are interested in individual or couples counseling, please contact me at: nanlcsw@gmail.com. I am passionate about helping people transform their relationships.

Love in the time of Corona is challenging. Many of us are used to connecting with our significant others a few times a day but it’s the rare couple that faces face- to -face contact all day. Now, that you are staying in, it is important to find ways to stay happy and sane in your relationship.

1. While your partner is an important part of your life, don’t forget that looking at yourself is the gold standard in a thriving relationship. Given that happiness IS an inside job, do some self-reflecting before speaking. Ask yourself if what you are going to say is empathic, kind, or even worth bringing up. Remember that many folks during this Corona crisis are irritable due to fear and uncertainty and are more likely to take it out on their partner. If you do get into an argument, make sure that you repair any hurt feelings. If you don’t know how to do this, seek couples counseling.

2. Make sure that you both have your own private space around your home. Even if you have tight quarters, create boundaries for yourself so you have enough personal space. Divide rooms up, if necessary or use headphones to feel separate. For those with larger homes, set clear rules (once you decide what you want) about when your partner can join you and when you need them to honor your privacy.

3. Stay connected to friends and couples through certain apps like FaceTime, Zoom, Google Hangouts or just call them on your cell. Have a virtual meal with these people so you are not just interacting with your partner. Other people can stimulate conversation and interests. And you will feel less isolated as a couple.

4. In between hand washing and sanitizing, hold hands, hug, kiss or make love as long as both you and your partner agree to this. We are wired from birth for attachment to other humans and, if you’re lucky enough to have found a great partner, use this connection for fun and self-regulation. Attachment to someone you love is calming and life-affirming.

5. Make a plan for what will happen should one of you get ill. If you process this BEFORE the crisis occurs, you are more likely to handle the challenges of sickness better. If this is too hard to discuss, perhaps mention that to each other. At least it will be out on the table.

6. Try to get on the same page about disinfecting and social distancing. Respect your partner’s right to feel and be safe even if you don’t agree with their thinking. Don’t put your partner in harm’s way just because you disagree. Put their safety up there with yours.

If you are in an abusive relationship, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). It may turn out to be a lifeline for you. If you are not ready to leave your partner and he/she they refuse to go to couples counseling, consider individual counseling for yourself. A good therapist can teach you simple ways to empower yourself at home. Many therapists have shifted to remote counseling which can be just as powerful as an office session.

Finally, please be well and stay safe. Your relationship, if it’s a good one, can help you through this troubled time more than you know.

Nancy Simon, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Evanston, Illinois. For almost thirty years, she has been counseling people in relationships; both singles and couples. She would be happy to work with you remotely at this time. To schedule a free consultation, please visit: www.nancysimontherapy.com.

Listening heals. According to David Isay, founder of Storycorps, an organization that is based on interviewing people, “Listening is an act of love….a commitment…” He goes on to say that it takes energy. Most people consider listening a passive experience; just sitting there doing nothing while someone talks at them. For those folks, listening is a dull and disconnected experience as they wait impatiently for the speaker to finish.

But attentive and attuned listening is different. It is active, takes patience and focus and is very relational. Allowing someone the space to process something with you is loving. It says to them, “I am putting myself aside and I am here for you. I care about you and am interested in you.” Listening heals.

Having worked with couples for many years, I have learned that if partners would take the time to quell their anxiety and move their agendas out of the way, their partner’s deeper feelings and needs could emerge. When a partner listens, he/she becomes safe and curious, compassionate and validating. The speaker feels like the most important person in the world.

What’s more, listening is soothing to both the speaker and the listener. I find, that when I start to listen to someone, it allows me to slow down, breathe and become calmer. Only then, can I be present for a family member, friend, neighbor or client.

When I work with people in therapy, I see how quickly they can calm down just from my attention and silence. Silence, in this case, is welcoming, validating and space-giving. It is truly a gift of love. Listening heals.

If you liked this blog, feel free to pass it on to anyone whom you think it could help. Or if you’d like to come in for individual or relationship counseling, please feel free to e.mail me at: nanlcsw@gmail.com or call me at: 847.491.1111 today.