Are you constantly avoiding multiple, texts, calls, e.mails or visits from your parents? Do you feel guilty for saying “No” or having a separate life? If you answered “Yes” to one or more of these questions, you have parents that need too much and are parenting your own parents. In psychology this is called a role reversal.

How Does This Happen?

Basically, if one or both of your presents grew up in a home where they were not adequately emotionally nurtured, they will unknowingly seek out friends or family to nurture them. Many parents who need too much turn to their children to vent, get emotional support and/or guidance. In some cases, they will seek or befriend their children as a substitute for finding their own friends. And, if you have grown up in the role of caregiver instead of child, you may be accustomed to having your parents needs come before your own.

This can affect your ability to leave the nest, explore the world, make your own friends and develop a sense of autonomy. Good parenting involves nurturing your child and allowing him or her to depend on you emotionally, physically and financially. A good parent provides comfort and guidance though life’s challenges and makes you and your needs primary.

This can be confusing as many parents who need too much encourage their children to leave the nest yet imply, “But don’t go too far!” What child is going to feel good about separating from heir mother who is experiencing depression or a father who is drinking? What’s more, the role of caregiver brings children a sense of power and self-esteem so that role is often difficult to relinquish.

But, if you don’t, it will wreak havoc on all of your future relationships including those with your partner, friends and children.

If you or someone you know is trying to become their own person but feels too guilty to do so, counseling can help. Please feel free to pass this blog onto someone who needs it. And, if you or they are interested in talking to me, please e.mail me at: nanlcsw@gmail.com or call me at :847.491.1111 to set up an appointment. Autonomy is your right!

Do you have a business partner who is driving you crazy? Do you find yourself in the same cycle of anger and withdrawal over and over again? Are you ready to call it quits? Well don’t. Business partners are a rare bunch and their partnership is a lot like a marriage. Trust, communication and empathy are necessary to be able to work well together. I read an article recently that stated that many business partners in tech companies are heading for couples counseling to resolve longstanding or ingrained patterns of conflict. We are all human and any time we are faced with another person, there is possibility for disagreement, misunderstanding, hurt or betrayal. In business, this involves time, money and productivity so there is a lot at stake. Frequently, just learning how to listen or state your case in a way that is direct and empathic will melt conflict away. And, often, just learning how what you are saying is affecting your business partner may shift you into being kinder. Most of us don’t know how we are coming across at work especially if we grew up in homes where it wasn’t safe to be vulnerable or honest. In fact, work can often feel like a repeat of your childhood home complete with misunderstandings, power plays and no one to teach you how to repair. Let me help you and your business partner learn how to talk to each other, listen and repair conflict. In the safety of my office or yours, you will learn how to express years of tied up feelings and hurts that have kept you and your business partner apart. If you and your business partner are ready to shift your relationship for the better, feel free to call me at 847.491.1111 or e.mail me at nanlcsw@gmail.com. It’s not too late!

Couples Counseling Works

If you have tried couples counseling and it didn’t work, this could be the result of many factors. Perhaps one of you wasn’t really interested in staying together or, maybe, you or your partner were having an affair at the time. In either case, no therapist can help you unless you are 100% committed to healing your relationship and being honest. Or, maybe , it didn’t work because of the therapist. If you didn’t feel a strong and safe connection with your couples therapist, no real work can get accomplished. Find a person who thinks like you and makes sense to you. We all crave understanding and emotional attunement from a therapist. And just like it took some time to find your partner, it may take a while to find a good couples therapist. Add to that the reality that many couples therapists had little marriage or relationship counseling courses in graduate school so we offered tools or homework which barely made headway especially with couples who had been struggling for years. Recently, I began training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and have been amazed by the results. This mode of therapy encourages each spouse to share their needs and vulnerabilities to create a deeper and more empathic connection that lasts. Over and over again, I have seen couples who, for years, had felt both lonely and defensive move into a caring and compassionate love. And, once their partner learns how to become a safe emotional listener, the couple is on their way to a happier relationship. So, give couples counseling another shot. A safe and compassionate marriage is available to anyone who is willing to do the work.

If you found this blog helpful please don’t hesitate to call me at :847.491.1111 to schedule an appointment or e.mail me at: nanlcsw@nancysimontherapy.com. Feel free to pass this on to anyone whom it might help. I am passionate about helping others with relationship issues.

I’m Blogging Because Mental health matters

 

When I was 20, I dropped out of college and felt lost. Confused and sad, I went to a therapist. When she saw me, the first thing she said was “Ouch!” I knew right away that she got me. That I wouldn’t have to spend hours explaining myself and the confusing relationship I was having with my boyfriend because she understood. Here was an adult acknowledging and validating how awful I felt without judging, lecturing or shaming me. Here was a place to come to where I could find out why I was so sad and be seen over and over and over again. My therapist compared how I felt to “a spider’s web” and said that, in time, we would unravel the spider web together. Suddenly, I no longer felt alone. I kept asking myself, “ How could talking to someone and having them listen make me feel so much better? How could having someone accept my sadness and confusion shift me into a more hopeful view of myself and my world? ” This was powerful stuff and I just wanted more. Week, after week I noticed subtle shifts in myself. I became less sarcastic and spoke up for myself when others offended me. I felt more confident and hopeful and navigating the world of feelings and relationships seemed Easier. After almost a year, I went back to school with a lot more self-esteem and clarity. I even graduated with honors two years later. When it came time to pick a career, I thought back to that first session with my therapist who said “ouch.” I decided that if she could make me feel that much better in one session, I would love to do that for someone else. So, for the past 23 years, I have. I have the honor of paying it forward every time I sit with someone in my office and it still feels amazing to watch them feel seen and understood. When times are tough, it is so important to attach ourselves to a loving presence who can guide, accept and companion us on our journey towards ourself.