So you’ve been thinking about going to couples therapy because you’re tired of the same old arguments that end up in angry outbursts and blame. Yet, you’ve heard that couples therapy can lead to conflict, chaos or even divorce. So you keep putting it off. Well, I’m here to tell you that couples counseling usually doesn’t lead to divorce and it can really help even the happiest of couples feel even better. A good couple’s therapist will create a safe environment, won’t take sides and will help you see the dance that you and your partner are doing that keeps you stuck. Yes, couples come in because of conflict but, ironically, the conflict, when deconstructed, can actually bring a couple closer through empathy and understanding. And, taking the time to understand your spouse will help them feel cared about and may teach you a thing or two about them. We rarely know as much as we think we know about our partners and this information can result in more empathy, interest and connection. Couples therapy will teach you how to be vulnerable without getting clobbered and how to ask for what you want. You will also learn to be more direct and accepting. And, if you have children, they can benefit from you and your spouse enjoying each other more and will now have wonderful role-models for their future relationships. Honestly, you don’t have to be on the verge of divorce to go to couples therapy. It is helpful for those people too but sometimes even those couples just needed some tweaking. If couples therapy could be helpful for you or someone you know, please feel free to e.mail me at: nanlcsw@gmail.com or call me at 847.491.1111. Feel free to pass this on to a friend. It is my pleasure to help anyone have a better relationship.

If you are the partner or spouse of someone who has been unfaithful, you probably feel shocked, enraged, betrayed, ashamed and grief-stricken. And, you may feel confused and hopeless about the future of your relationship. Well, before you contemplate ending your relationship I have some hopeful statistics to share.
When partners cheat, most marriages or unions don’t end in divorce. Yes, it takes a lot of hard work and patience but often, the new marriage between old partners is more open, gratifying, authentic and connected. But, first, the offended partner must work through his/her feelings of being betrayed which can take many years.
When partners cheat, if the betraying partners marry each other, their relationship usually does end in divorce. Affairs are fantasies and while they lack the stressors inherent in any marriage, they also lack the safety, history and attachment of the primary marital relationship.
When partners cheat, 50% of the male offenders and over 33% of women report that they were happily married before they strayed. The reasons they pursue an extra-marital affair are more complex and varied. For example, just like people who struggle with addictions, many partners cheat because they are trying to fill a hole in themselves from the outside. Perhaps they’ve had significant trauma and are even confused by their own behavior. Others choose an affair because their current relationship falls short of their image of an ideal relationship. Others flea when illness, financial troubles, birth of a child, adoption or other transitions occur as they cannot cope.
Many times, when people have a partner who has cheated, they feel isolated and uncomfortable telling others. I can help. I will sit with you as you tell the story of what happened to you. Please feel free to e.mail me at: nanlcsw@gmail.com or call me at: 847.491.1111 to schedule an appointment.
Please feel free to pass this article on to others who are struggling with this issue.

When your spouse has A.D.D. (Attention Deficit Disorder), you know how it can complicate any relationship. Despite your emotional commitment or deep love for this person, you may feel angry and confused much of the time. You may even think they are child-like and irresponsible. But if you try to understand that their brain is the issue and not them, you may be more forgiving. Perhaps in the past you have criticized them for not putting their dirty socks in the hamper or leaving their dishes in the sink. Or you are impatient every time they lose their cell phone. How about all that time they spend on their computer, iPad or the Discovery Channel? When your spouse has A.D.D. their brain is constantly scanning for stimulation and, ironically, they need these stimulating devices to stay calm and balanced. Their brain is in a constant state of over-drive so they are not interested in slowing down, being romantic or giving you a lot of attention. Their brain can’t do it. But what you can do is realize that their behavior doesn’t reflect how interesting they find you or how deeply they love you. Rather than getting angry at their limitations, try to understand that when your spouse has A.D.D., he or she is doing the best they can. Most people with ADD have spent years hearing how stupid, lazy or under-achieving they are so many already struggle with self-esteem issues daily. Every time you accept their behaviors or are patient with them you actually foster healing for them. So what’s in it for you? Well, you partner is undoubtedly very dynamic, exceedingly intelligent, interesting to talk with and maybe even a dear soul. So be patient. You probably don’t have the wrong partner; just the wrong ideas about how to cope. If you found this helpful, free to e.mail me at:nanlcsw@gmail.com to schedule an appointment or call me at 847.491.1111. There is hope for your relationship. Don’t hesitate to offer my article to others. I do this as a free service to promote relational health.

Relationship management is no different than stress management except that you focus on THE LEVEL OF STRESS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP rather than within yourself.

Relationship Management or awareness is a must if you are going to maintain an on-going bond of love and emotional honesty between you and your partner. To keep your love flowing, become aware of your conversations, level of frustration, level of affection and acceptance or lack thereof. Ask yourself how much energy you are putting into the relationship right now. If you or your partner are constantly stressed, check-in with each other and talk about it. If that doesn’t feel safe or productive, there is probably a high level of undetected stress between you. But never fear, couples counseling is here.

Couples counseling can provide you with tools to help you talk to your partner without attacking him/her or getting defensive. The therapist does not take sides but, instead, helps you both understand your partner’s view. Frequently, partners put their long-held assumptions and beliefs on the table and each is shocked at what is revealed.

Perhaps, a woman reveals in couples counseling that she has been angry at her husband for choosing his internet and kindle over her. When her husband hears this, he reveals that he has felt abandoned all of these years by her so he has resorted to his gadgets to distract from feeling neglected. Once the couple share this information, they can become more empathic to their partner and move out of anger and back into connection. Now the relationship can grow and each partner can become more understanding of the impact he or she has on their partner. This is the gateway to healthy communication and intimacy.

If you found this helpful, feel free to contact me at nanlcsw@gmail.com or call me at 847.491.1111. Don’t hesitate to offer my article to others. I do this as a free service to promote relational healing.