Anger is a natural response and can be motivating and empowering. Yet, if one is stuck in this emotion, he or she may be sinking into toxic anger which is not good for anyone. Are you living with someone who is easily triggered to rage? Are you afraid of confronting them about the smallest issue because it always ends up in a blow out? Are you feeling like leaving your relationship because you can’t take it anymore? If you can relate to one or all of these issues, you probably are in a relationship with a very hurt person. That’s right, rather than thinking about them as an expletive, child-like or impossible, realize that your partner must have been through some pretty tough life experiences to get this way. Whether your partner has emotional baggage from being abused, intruded upon, neglected or has had early parent loss or any number of disappointing circumstances, he or she is using the anger to cover deeper, more vulnerable feeling of shame, sadness and hurt. Working with this behavior is simple but not easy. The antidote, believe it or not, involves not changing your partner (most partners don’t want to change) but becoming more empathetic to them. When an angry partner senses that someone cares or is being truly vulnerable with them, it is like a green light that says it’s now okay to trust. Lovingly acknowledge that their anger is upsetting to you and scary but also that you understand it is coming from a wounded place. You may even suggest counseling if they are open. On the other hand, if you are getting abused by your partner’s anger either verbally, physically or sexually, it is important not to tolerate this behavior and help them get help. If you can’t do this, please get help for yourself. If you found this helpful, please e.mail me at nanlcsw@gmail.com to schedule an appointment or call me at 847.491.1111. Help is here for you, your partner of both of you. Feel free to offer my article to others. I do this as a free service to promote relational healing.

Have you ever wondered why many couples fight? Are they just with the wrong person or what? Well, actually, arguing with your partner or disagreeing with them is healthy as long as no one plays the “blame game” or uses put downs. Disagreeing is one way to be heard, assert your ideas and feel empowered. But, if you and your partner fight most of the time, there might be something brewing underneath. Anger is often a feeling covering other, more vulnerable feelings like shame, sadness and hurt. Anger is protective. What’s more, many couples fight as a way to maintain some distance after being close. Others may have difficulty saying “No” or that they feel “smothered” so they show it through angry withdrawal or silence. Some stay angry as a way to avoid letting others in especially when they have been traumatized, betrayed or abused in other relationships or as children. These wounds run long and deep and it may take many years for these people to learn to trust. Finally, some couples use anger as a way to avoid asking for what they want. Believe it or not, it is easier albeit more stressful, to stay in an angry dance than to tell your partner how lonely, vulnerable, scared or sad you feel or how you miss them. But, if you can express these feelings, you may see extraordinary results! You see, the more vulnerable you are in a relationship, the more vulnerable your partner can become. Your vulnerability is your means of disarming your partner and gives him/her permission to be vulnerable too. Nobody wins in the anger game. If you found this helpful, feel free to contact me at: nanlcsw@gmail.com or call me at 847.491..1111. Anger hurts. Dont hesitate to offer my article to others. I do this as a free service to promote relational healing.

If your spouse has had a marital affair, there may be hope for repair. It is not a quick fix but if you both are willing to do the hard work of marital therapy, many couples can stay together. When your spouse has strayed, you may find yourself feeling everything from rage and embarrassment to intense hurt, abandonment and sadness. It is like someone has died. The grief may move you into denial, anger or depression and you might start to question all the truths that you held dear for years about your spouse and your marriage. It may take you months or even years to fully digest the affair and you might need to live separately for a while. Often the trigger to an affair is undisclosed marital dissatisfaction. The offending spouse, rather than going to couples counseling, tries to fix the marriage by having a relationship that makes up for what is missing in the marriage. This strategy only complicates the problem. What’s needed for repair is honestly, patience, compassion and, most of all, couples counseling. The only way a marriage can move into health is if the affair is terminated. If your spouse insists on continuing it , the message to you is that the affair comes first. If your spouse IS ready to give up the affair, it will take you time to lower your walls as your trust has been crushed. Have compassion for yourself and the hurt you feel. Your spouse many not understand the pain he or she has caused you and that can be addressed in therapy. if you are both committed to saving your connection, you might find yourself in a much healthier, authentic and more gratifying relationship. If you found this helpful, please e.mail me at: nanlcsw@gmail.com or call me at 847.491.1111 to set up a marital session today. Feel free to offer my article to others. I do this as a free service to promote relational healing.

Love can be tricky when you have fallen for a Highly Sensitive partner. Is your significant other upset by loud noises, strong odors and bright lights? Does he or she shy away from crowds? If the answer is yes to many of these, your partner might fit into the Highly Sensitive category. As a rule, these people can be very reactive to situations and people that don’t bother you at all. And you may have trouble believing that life can be so hard for them. But, it is. They are one of the 20% of the population that has this trait as well as an overstimulated and hyper-aroused nervous system. So, they come by their reactions honestly and it is important that you validate their feelings because many HSP’s think they are crazy. Just like any relationship, if you have empathy for your partner and are supportive, you will thrive much more than if you make fun of or try to change him/her. Loving an HSP, although challenging, can also be beneficial to you. HSP’s are blessed with the heart of an empath and a soul that deeply connects to plants, animals and art. Highly Sensitive people are often highly intuitive and creative which makes them able to give you insight and clarity more than the average person. When you are finding it difficult to be patient with an HSP, kindly take a step back and ask yourself, “What do I bring to the relationship that is difficult for my partner?” Perhaps, you are overly-critical, impatient, easily distracted or angry a lot. In other words, find the qualities about you that trigger your partner to get angry, hurt or sad. Then think of what it’s like for THEM to be with you. This should be a humbling experience and, hopefully, will help you see that you are not the only one dealing with a difficult partner. If you found this helpful feel free to e.mail me at nanlcsw@gmail.com or call me at 847.491.1111. Don’t hesitate to offer my article to others. I do this as a free service to promote relational healing.